gene simmons disappears!

a work of fiction by: francis tyck
kiss special magazine - fall 1979

gene simmons, bass player for super rock group kiss, scared the hell out of the collective rock world last month. he disappeared without a trace. no one had seen him in 48 hours and kiss' assorted managers, producers, agents, publicists, lawyers, girlfriends, bodyguards, roadies, and promo men were frantic.

at first kiss' managers tried to keep the whole thing quiet. there were initial suspicions that he may have been kidnapped, so his record company kept the lid on so as not to alarm the kidnappers. they did, however, call cher and various women around the world he was known to be fond of. no luck. nobody knew where he was. maybe he'd found someone new - suggested a friend known as trixie - and he was with her, him, or it.

the record company thought this was a possibility and discreetly hired the private detective firm of spade, marlow, and buggs to try and find gene simmons. they, in turn, hired the firm of thinghunt, inc. who, in turn, hired 200 freelance private detectives around the world. all to no avail. nobody had seen him. also, the 200 private detectives complained, it's not easy to find someone for whom there is no existing photograph without his makeup on. to this the record company replied that it was'nt makeup and it should be easy to find a seven-foot tall, man-like creature with bat wings.

by now gene simmons had been missing for 64 hours and his assorted managers, agents, publicists, ect. were frantic. still no contact had been made by any kidnappers so they made the decision to go to the police.

capt. john p. rothstein of the new york city police was thunderstruck when told of gene's disappearance. a great fan of the supergroup, he said he just could'nt envision the band without the tongue-thrusting demon and said he would do everything in his, and the police force's power, to find him. he also suggested they call the bureau of missing persons.

the bureau of missing persons at first thought it was a practical joke. the secretary hung up on the record company officials, but when they came to the office in person in a fleet of limousines, she ushered them right into the office of the director. he said he would do everything in his, and the bureau's power to find gene. he also suggested they call the fbi.

j. edgar hoover personally answered the telephone and said he would do everything in his, and the fbi's power, to find the missing seven foot tall, man-like creature. he also suggested they call the papers. maybe the daily news had heard of a strange creature washing up out of the east river.

by now the executives, girl friends, bodyguards, and office boys were even more frantic. it had been nearly four days since anyone had seen gene! two members of the board had had nervous breakdowns and the girl on the switchboard had broken out with strange bumps.. they just had to find gene before the
whole world collapsed.

a mammoth press conference was called. maybe if everyone in the world was looking for him someone would find him. the press conference was a major event. every publication and radio and tv station was represented. even tass, the soviet news service, and barbara walters was there. gene's mother made a tearful plea for someone to find her son. many stations carried the press conference live, interrupting scheduled programs. the disappearance made international headlines. it was hailed as the story of the seventies by many experts. it made so much news in fact that gene heard it on his radio at home, and immediately got on the phone to his managers.

it turned out he'd been at home the whole time, listening to the radio so loud he had'nt heard the phone or the doorbell ring.

gene's discovery also made international headlines and the collective rock world heaved a sigh of relief.

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