kiss gives $5 billion to fans

a work of fiction.
kiss special magazine - fall 1979

put those hands out, kiss are ready to give their fans five billion dollars! it may seem incredible, but they are all set to give away a huge fortune. how did they get it? how will they give it away? read on.

kiss fans, listen and listen good. get those bankbooks out, start ordering your rolls royces and mink coats. but first, if you have high blood pressure, you better sit down. even if your blood pressure is normal, sit down, we're gonna shock you this time.

quit your jobs, take that cruise around the world. you will all soon have money beyond your wildest imaginations. here's the news to end all news, get ready to leap 10 feet in the air. kiss is giving away $5 billion dollars to their fans.

if you've already revived yourself, maybe you're ready for the details of kiss' majestic plans to give away this huge fortune. the grapevine is ablaze with rumors. no one can believe it, but kiss claims they hope to soon give away $5 billion.

now we all know that kiss are quite rich, but $5 billion seems beyond even their grasp. they may have millions, but billions? where are they getting the money?

it is rumored that arabian sheiks heard kiss sing and were mesmerised. they were captivated by kiss' wild style. the music in their country is bland and boring. they asked kiss to come to saudi arabia and give a special concert just for them.

gene, ace, peter and paul were flattered. after all, the richest men in the world had asked them to give a special performance. kiss could not say no, it would have been a slap in the face to these very, very important men.

so, kiss slipped out of the country. they kept the whole thing quiet, travelling under assumed names. the sheiks had asked them to keep the news about the event to themselves. kiss complied. they gave the special concert. the sheiks were thankful beyond comprehension.

as a reward, they gave kiss $5 billion. it was to show their gratitude. the boys were over-whelmed. they thanked their benefactors and graciously accepted the extra-ordinary gift. they tried to keep it secret, but something that big is hard to keep to yourself.

kiss thought about what to do with the money. all sorts of things crossed their minds. can you imagine how many things $5 billion can buy. but after days of being deep in thought, gene came up with an idea. he realized how many kiss fans are in the world. he knows how they spend their precious, hard-earned money on kiss records and other paraphernalia. he thought it was about time kiss spent some of their money on their loyal loving fans.

the rest of the group concurred. then paul suggested that they should give all the money to their fans. he said he had enough money already to last him a life-time. kiss agreed to give the whole lump sum to their fans - in this way, each one could be given a tidy sum.

of course, it's not easy to give away $5 billion, even if you're willing to. you can't just throw it in the streets - panic, chaos and death would ensue. the boys had to come up with a plan, even several contingency plans to successfully give out the money.

the main plan is to hold a lottery. all kiss fans, the world over, would be eligible to receive money. all they would do would be to send a postcard to kiss. each card would be given a number. then all the cards would be placed in a gigantic barrel. then kiss would pick out cards at random. they will have already drawn a corresponding amount of money to coincide with each number. for example, if they drew card number 3962, they would already have assigned a pre-determined amount of money to go with that number.

the monetary amount would range from a high of $1 million, to a low of $200. in this way, all kiss fans would get something. if your number matches the one reserved for $1 million, that's what you win. imagine, you may be given $1 million by kiss.

a different plan would be to have a weekly kiss game show on television. the boys would m.c it. questions would be asked about kiss. their fans could call up, and if answered correctly. they would win cash and/or prizes. the show would be continued until all $5 billion was given away. better start boning up on kiss.

kiss has also come up with another alternate plan, just in case the first two go awry. this last plan has kiss staging a giant concert which would be free to all their fans. it would be a fantastic marathon session. all you kiss fans would feel like $5 billion when you left. but kiss won't send you home penniless - not by any means. they have a fantastic ending planned for the concert. as they sing their final encore, the ceiling would open up and the $5 billion would float down into a giant, roped-off area.

in order for peace to reign supreme, the fans would be let in the area, a few at a time. they would be blindfolded, spun around and allowed to scoop up a few handfuls of money into a special kiss-doggy bag. not being able to see what they are picking up makes it fair for all.some will come away with more than others, but everyone will have an equal chance to pick up a princely amount.

so, the news is out. the rumors are flying, fast and furiously - kiss will give away $5 billion. and what great ways they have thought up to give it away. they are great humanitarians, as well as rock superstars.

it probably won't be long now. you can spend all day and night dreaming of the loot you will soon be given by kiss. now your dreams can all be true. money will never again be a problem.

kiss have done great things before, but never anything like this astounding show of generosity. they could have kept $5 billion, but instead they have opted to treat their dear fans to the money. it is an act of magnificent compassion and magnanimity. if you loved kiss before, you will really worship them now. start lining up - kiss is about to give you $5 billion!


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