superman joins kiss

a work of fiction
super rock spectacular - spring 1979

it's the scoop of the century, the scoop of all time. two superheroes have joined forces, they will be unbeatable in all the galaxies, invincible throughout the universe. superman has joined kiss.

it all started this way. kiss was tiring of their act, you know how perfectionist kiss is, how they always want to be bigger and better. they spent days in depression in lonely aruba, pondering what they could do. what could they come up with next to satisfy their finicky fans and their finicky standards? what act could they come up with that would top their last incredible tour and remarkable issue of four separate solo albums at the same time? it was a hard act to follow.

the band came up with all sorts of solutions. they could retire. they could erect a giant statue of the band in times square. they could unleash wild tigers during their stage show. they could go disco. but none of these ideas seemed to be what they needed.

finally, while taking a shower, gene came up with a brainstorm. they could have someone new join the band. perhaps a new face would add inspiration and new facets to their show. the problem was who? eric clapton, jimmy page, sid vicious, olivia newton-john, they thought about them all, but decided they were no good. too tame.

then ace spoke up. they could ask another superhero to join the band, that way they could continue with their incredible stunts (breathing fire, etc.) and the new member could do his own as well. as you know, any superhero has super powers and would be just great for kiss' stage act. but what superhero should they ask to join?

it was a toss up between the hulk and superman. i mean, the hulk with his green skin and nasty temper was a natural, but superman could do all these nifty tricks like leaping tall buildings in a single bound. the band members argued over the choice between the two. finally paul had a great idea, why not hold an audition like they did to get ace. this time they wouldn't have to put an add in the village voice, but could just contact superman and the hulk directly. the band called their agents and everything was set up.

the day of the super-audition dawned bright and cold. kiss hopped in the kiss plane and, as quick as you can say "jackrabbit", they were at the audition arena. they had decided to use the houston astrodome as the sight because it was the only place big enough to let the hulk and superman really show their stuff.

when kiss got to houston they found the city going through an incredible chili pepper shortage, but that didn't concern them because they had only been there a few hours, and then back to aruba.

superman was the first to arrive. it was alot easier for him to get there because he can fly and the hulk has to smash his way through places. he wanted to show his stunts immediately, especially how fast he could play piano, but kiss told him to cool down. it wouldn't be fair to let him go before the hulk arrived and could see his act. that way the hulk would know what he had to beat. so, while they waited for the hulk, they all amused themselves by playing chess in the middle of the outfield.

finally the hulk showed up. he made a great entrance by throwing a truck at the side of the superdome to make a hole for him to walk through. everybody was suitably impressed, but paul told him if he joined the band and was that late to gigs he just wouldn't make it. the hulk was going to smash paul for saying that, but gene restrained him. and the audition got under way.

superman went first. he did all his old tricks for warm up, beating speeding bullets, stopping trains. then he started to show his new stuff. first he carried everybody to the north pole and back. then he played aces' new song new york groove all by himself, running between all the instruments with his super speed. everybody cheered when he stopped. he had played four instruments, as well as sang all at once. then superman proceeded to take down and set up the band's equipment faster than they could blink. ace whispered to paul after this act that he definitely would make a good roadie, and if they didn't ask him to join the band maybe he would be the equipment manager.

when, as his final act, superman cut the top off the superdome and threw it like a frisbee all the way to mongolia. kiss was cheering like crazy. and then it was the hulk's turn.

the hulk had been sulking in a far corner of the stadium all through superman's performance, but when it was his turn, he hopped all the way across in one earth-shaking bound.

for his opener the hulk ripped out a whole section of the grandstand and with a roar proceeded to smash it to smithereens. he then bashed a hole in the ground all the way to china, and came back with a little chinese kiss fan to prove it. kiss loved this. for his next act the hulk proceeded to pile the cars in the city of houston on top of one another, with the commissioner of police's bright red volare on top like a cherry. as his last stunt, the hulk took all the bands equipment and smashed it to smithereens.

kiss then went into a huddle to decide. superman tried to eavesdrop with his superhearing, but gene told him to stop. the band didn't take long to decide. they came back to the center of the stadium and announced the winner.

it was superman. they told the hulk he was just great, and his green skin was wild, but that he blew it when he smashed the band's equipment. what did he have to go and do that for? the hulk got pissed and said he'd smash all of them next but gene spit blood at him and the hulk backed off. he was last seen smashing his way towards los angeles.

superman was ecstatic as the band came up and congratulated him. they said they would be proud if he would join their band. he said he would love to. there was only one problem, said gene, he would have to give up his job at the daily planet in order to have time to practice with the band. superman said he'd miss lois lane and jimmy olsen but he'd do it to join kiss. and the deal was signed, sealed, and finalized.

but when can you see the new kiss with superman? when will they unveil their absolutely super new show?

well, the story is that they are putting it together right now. they are writing new material for superman's piano part, and designing a show to go with the new material and highlight the new member of the band. they are then going to go into the studio and put out a new album with superman. then, when the album is released, supposedly sometime this summer, the band will tour.

and you will see the show of your life.

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