why would they possibly do this? you are probably among the thousands of fans who are asking this question at this very moment. how can it be? our office was literally deluged with phone calls last month from diehard fans who expressed outrage and surprise at this move. no one could believe the reports. they seemed to be totally bogus. it was impossible.
but based on extensive research, (we asked the mail-boy, he knows everything) it appears to be true. america's premier fire-breathing, blood-spewing, costume-wearing, rock and roll band is planning to go disco. that means putting away their claw-covered platform shoes and slipping into white suits and black silk shirts. preposterous.
we contacted the group at their secret hideaway high in the yukon. (we have a red, hot line phone here that instantly connects us to kiss anywhere in the world.) ace could'nt come to the phone because he was chasing caribou, and paul was sick in bed with a friend. nor were we able to talk to peter (he apparently had changed into a cat and climbed a tree.) nobody said anything about gene, but we did get to talk to a close friend of the band, tina. tina gave us here at the office the real, down-to-earth scoop on kiss and disco. our worst fears were suddenly verified. the entire office was dumbfounded. nobody could say anything. tina, on the other end of the hotline, wondered what was happening. why did'nt someone say something? these long distance phone calls are expensive, you know. but we could'nt answer her. everybody seemed to have lost their voices. finally, tina jokingly said, "what's the matter, cat got your tounge?" and hung up, disgusted.
after a few hours, we succeeded in recovering enough from the shock to discuss this remarkable, earth-shattering, move. the office became a buzz of activity with writers arguing in corners, paste-up people slashing their mechanicals to pieces in despair, and secretaries running hither and thither. everyone had a different opinion on the news. some people thought it was great, that kiss was great, and if they can go disco then disco must be great. others thought that it signaled the death of rock and roll as we know it - if kiss go disco then all the other bands were sure to follow and there would be no rock scene left for us to write about. the business manager thought we should quickly start a disco magazine. our messenger boy climbed out on the window ledge, saying he was so depressed by the news that he was going to jump. but then our business manager said he'd raise the messenger boy's salary if he did'nt jump, and would fire himself if he did, so the poor kid climbed back in.
the whole staff stayed late that night to discuss the story. we all sat around in the middle of the city room and talked. no one knew what to do first. but finally, after hours, and a fine dinner bought by the editor in chiefs mother, we reached a consensus. we decided to tell the world this incredible news, and damn the torpedoes! now there was the sticky question of what to tell them, what to write. should we just say what we know straight out, and risk mass suicides and riots, or should we tone the story down a little bit and gradually get the people used to the idea. you know, break it easy.
after hours of discussion, and a beautiful breakfast brought by the owner's mother, we decided. we would tell the story straight out. i mean, what good are journalists if they hide what they know or attempt to fudge the facts. it was our duty to tell the world and we were not going to slink away from it. our mind was made up. we would tell the world and tell them true.
now all that was left to decide was who would tell the story. who would write the great scoop that would shake the world. it was a great story and everyone wanted to write it. a big fight started until our editor climbed on his desk and started screaming. everyone shut up and looked at him. he stopped screaming and suggested we all draw straws. a good editorial idea if i ever heard one, no wonder he's the top honcho. an especially good idea because i won. little old, teeny-weeny me. to write the scoop of the century.
well, here is what we heard, checked, and re-checked:
paul stanley was difintely seen walking into new york's poshest, coolest, choicest disco, studio 54. he was in the company of none other than his wife. the only problem was that he was out of costume and could'nt get in. the management of studio 54 reserves the right to deny admittance to anyone, and they did so to him. when paul told the doorman who he was, they were heard to reply, "oh yeah? you're the third paul stanley of kiss i've seen tonight."
and this, my dear gullible readers, is why kiss has not gone to a disco yet.