the cat man vs. the fat man

a work of fiction
super rock awards magazine - fall 1979

the rock world is shaking with excitement at the news that the
cat man (peter criss of kiss) will challenge the fat man (meat loaf)
to a duel that only one man can live through!

slowly but surely the word has been passed around. the cat man has challenged the fat man to a duel. the rock world is reeling with shock at the thought that we may lose one (or even two) esteemed members of the rock community. by now you're probably scratching your head and asking yourself just who the cat man and the fat man are? well i'll tell you. the cat man is none other than peter criss. the fat man is meat loaf, 300 pounds of sirloin fed power. people across the country are already placed 6-5 odds on meat loaf. but other knowledgeable sourses say the upcoming contest will be too close to call. let's look at the basic statistics for these two fighters.

meat loaf is 300 pounds of musical mayhem. he has a veracious appetite for both food and women. for breakfast he has been known to consume a dozen eggs, a huge sirloin steak, hashed brown potatos, toast and strong black coffee. all this food tends to make him a little mean. he has to work off his energy somehow. if he does'nt have a gig that night he takes it out on anyone that happens to be near him. his fellow band members quiver with fear in his presence. he could stike them in fury at any moment. his breath alone can make them pass out. all of them have bruises to show that meat loaf's fury is to be avoided at all costs.

sure meat loaf can be mean, but he's also capable of rare displays of kindness. he's regularly seen helping little old ladies across the street, and one witness claims to have seen him lying across a puddle and allowing a young, pretty woman to walk over him to avoid getting wet. she claimed that the experience was similar to bouncing on a trampoline.

to prepare for the fight meat loaf is on a strict training program which means early to bed and none of the substances so favores by rock stars. he's already got a mouth like muhammed ali and says that he will "off" the cat man by the seventh round. meat loaf is taking nothing for granted and is working hard to prove that he's king of the mountain, and a mountain of a man.

peter criss, the cat man is clearly at a disadvantage in the weight department. but what he lacks in the brawn department he makes up for in brains. peter is known as one of the craftiest members of the rock world with the kind of street smarts that come from growing up in the streets of new york. as a youth he roamed with his share of street gangs and he knows the kind of dirty fighting that you would'nt want to teach your mother.

peter has been training for the fight by working on his already impressive karate and kung fu techniques. since this battle allows for any method of fighting, peter is hoping that he can overcome the weight disadvantage by being quick on his feet. since he's heard about meat loaf's legendary meanness, he's been working on acting mean in the ring. unfortunately that's hard for him since he's such a nice guy onstage. after all, he's the one that wrote the tender love ballad "beth", which is dedicated to his former wife.

some worry that he's lost some of his street smarts since moving out to connecticut, but peter regurlarly works out. being a member of kiss is a pretty strenuous job as it is, so you can bet he'll be in top shape for the fight.

the only thing holding uo the competition now is finding a spot for it. after all, it takes a big stadium to hold the fat man's and the cat man's fans. some have suggested madison square garden. others mention the colesseum in rome where they used to throw christians to the lions. some hve suggested the budokan in japan, because they are so hip tp rock and roll. besides they could release another "live at budokan" album. but no matter where it's held, it will cause excitement by fans of both fighters who will wait with bated breath to see who will become the victor in this bloody battle.


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